Why You Apologize for Stuff That Isn’t Your Fault, Without Even Realizing It
TL;DR: If “sorry” is your default setting, you’re not broken, you’re conditioned. Apologizing for existing is what happens when your nervous system equates taking up space with danger.
Hyper-independent women don’t say sorry just because they’re polite; they say it because, deep down, they were taught that being too visible, too loud, or too needy equals unsafe. EMDR therapy helps you rewrite that script and finally live without shrinking yourself to make others comfortable.
“Sorry, I’m Just… Existing”
You ever noticed how “sorry” just flies out of your mouth without you even realizing it?
Sorry for asking a question.
Sorry for taking too long.
Sorry for needing the same can of corn in the aisle as the person next to you.
You bump into a chair? You apologize.
Someone else bumps into you? You still apologize.
If that’s you, welcome to the club. Population: every hyper-independent woman who learned early on that peace comes at the cost of invisibility.
You didn’t wake up one day and decide to shrink yourself. You learned it.
Maybe you grew up walking on eggshells around unpredictable parents.
Maybe you were told you were “too sensitive,” “too loud,” or “too much.”
Maybe you learned that the easiest way to keep people happy (and safe) was to anticipate their moods before they exploded.
So you learned to smooth things over, make yourself smaller, and apologize, even when you didn’t do a damn thing wrong.
That’s not a personality trait. That’s protection.
What’s Really Going On (And Why EMDR Therapy Helps)
Apologizing for existing isn’t just a bad habit; it’s your nervous system responding out of old date programming.
When you’ve spent years in survival mode, your body wires itself to believe:
“Safety = being liked.”
“Connection = compliance.”
“Love = never being a problem.”
That’s why EMDR therapy hits different for hyper-independent women. It helps your brain finally separate past danger from present reality. Because here’s the thing: your brain doesn’t actually understand time like we think it does. It doesn’t know that you’re a grown ass adult, safe, and sitting in your therapist’s office; it just knows patterns of feelings.
And if those patterns once kept you safe, your nervous system will keep replaying them like a greatest hits album of “How Not to Die.”
EMDR helps your brain update that playlist so it stops reacting to today’s stress like it’s 2003 and someone’s about to lose their sh*t on you.
Why Hyper-Independent Women Struggle to Stop Apologizing
Hyper-independent women were trained early on that being too much came with consequences. So you learned to shrink, to soften your edges, to apologize before anyone else could make you feel like a burden.
That constant “sorry” reflex is your trauma’s way of saying, “Please don’t get mad at me. Please don’t leave.”
Let’s break it down:
You say sorry when you take up space: because you were taught that staying small helped avoid conflict.
You say sorry when you need help: because you equate needing with being weak.
You say sorry when you have emotions: because your emotions were inconvenient for someone else once.
You say sorry for your success: because shining too bright once got you dimmed.
That constant apologizing is your nervous system running an outdated script. You’re not in danger anymore; you’re just conditioned to anticipate it before anything happens.
And that’s fucking exhausting!
3 Quick Tips for When You Feel Stuck AF in Therapy
Try these small yet powerful shifts to start breaking that “I’m-so-sorry-for-existing” habit your trauma taught you:
1. Reflect on the automatic “sorry.”
The next time you hear yourself apologize for something harmless, if you can pause in the moment, if not, reflect on it. Ask yourself, “What am I ACTUALLY trying to say right now instead of sorry?” Maybe it’s “I don’t want you to be mad,” or “I feel awkward taking up space.”
Start replacing “sorry” with the truth: “Thanks for your patience,” “Excuse me,” or “I appreciate you.” You’re retraining your brain to communicate instead of self-punishing.
2. Notice when you shrink.
You know that micro-moment when you physically feel yourself shrink, like you’re a little kid again? That’s your nervous system, or your inner crotch goblin, bracing for rejection. Instead of judging it, take one slow breath and plant your feet firmly on the ground.
Remind yourself, “I’m safe, I’m allowed to exist, and I don’t have to earn that right.” Every time you do, you’re reminding your system that presence doesn’t equal punishment.
3. Reframe connection as safety, not threat.
If “sorry” has always been your way of keeping the peace, start experimenting with small, safe moments of honesty instead. Tell a friend what you need. Speak up in a conversation without cushioning it with ten disclaimers.
Every time you let yourself be seen without apologizing, you teach your nervous system that connection doesn’t have to cost you safety.
From “Sorry” to “Still Worthy”
Here’s the truth:
You don’t owe anyone shit at the expense of your own peace.
You don’t have to shrink yourself to earn love.
And you damn sure don’t need to apologize for breathing.
You were never “too much.” You were just around people who made you feel like your enoughness was inconvenient.
You get to take up space now, loud, messy, emotional space.
You get to exist without a fucking disclaimer.
And no, that doesn’t make you arrogant. It makes you alive.
Your default “sorry” isn’t humility, it’s a form of hypervigilance.
You don’t need to apologize for being human. You just need to teach your nervous system that it’s safe to exist without constantly bracing for rejection.
If you’re a hyper-independent woman who’s exhausted from apologizing for every f*cking thing, it’s time for something different.
You don’t need to fake confidence, you need to feel safe being yourself again.
That’s what EMDR therapy does. It helps your body finally believe the truth your mind’s been begging it to accept:
You’re safe now. You’re enough. You can stop saying sorry.
👉 Book your free 20-minute EMDR consultation today to learn how to stop apologizing for existing and start living for yourself.
Because you don’t need to fake being fine, you just need space built for real, lasting healing.
And if intensives aren’t your thing or you’re just not ready to jump in the deep end yet, no problem, check out Psychology Today, Headway, TherapyFinder and Grow Therapy for therapists with availability. You can also check out My Therapists Peeps in SWFL. Also Open Path is a great resource for finding therapists who offer sliding scale pricing, which can make ongoing therapy more affordable.
About the Author
You don’t have to keep being the strong one who’s silently falling apart. I help you heal the trauma behind your burnout, ditch the hyper-independence, and finally feel like you again.
-Jessica Brooks, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), EMDR-Certified Therapist offering EMDR Intensives in Cape Coral, FL
