Why Hyper Independence Is a Trauma Response (From a Trauma Therapist Who Gets It)
TL;DR: Hyper independence looks badass, but most of the time it’s trauma in high heels. If you’re the “I got it” friend, the strong one, the woman who never asks for help, that’s not a personality trait, that’s a nervous system stuck in survival mode. As a Trauma therapist, I’m here to call it out and give you tools to start putting some of that weight down.
Confessions of a former ‘I got it’ girl (aka me calling myself out on my own bullshit)
Picture this: you’re carrying all the grocery bags at once because “it’s just easier if I do it.” You’d rather pull a muscle than ask someone for help. Your friends call you the “strong one,” but behind closed doors, you’re exhausted AF and quietly resentful that no one notices you’re drowning.
Hi, I see you. I was you. Hyper independence was my crown, my cape, and my cage all rolled into one. On the outside, I looked like a boss bitch. On the inside, I was a fucking mess; my nervous system was fried, rest felt unsafe, and asking for help felt like losing a damn limb.
Hyper independence 101: Why your nervous system thinks you’re Wonder Woman
Here’s the deal:
Hyper independence isn’t always a strength; it’s a trauma response. When you grow up learning that people aren’t reliable, that your needs are “too much,” or that asking for help gets you shamed, your brain wires itself to believe:
“If I don’t rely on anyone, I can’t be disappointed.”
“If I do it all myself, I’m safe.”
“If I’m the strong one, maybe I’ll finally be enough.”
That shit becomes automatic. It’s not a conscious choice. It’s your nervous system protecting you, the only way it knows how: control everything, depend on no one.
But here’s the catch: what once kept you safe is now burning you the f*ck out.
5 small-but-mighty ways to stop carrying the whole f*cking world alone
If you’re side-eyeing this because it feels too real, here are 5 small ways to start loosening hyper independence without throwing yourself into the deep end with no floaties:
Practice micro-receiving. Next time someone offers help, even if it’s holding the door, say yes. No excuses, no “I got it.” Just yes.
Check your body, not just your mind. When you catch yourself overfunctioning, pause and scan your body. Are your shoulders in your ears? Is your jaw locked? That’s your nervous system calling BS. [insert check out my Body Scan IG post here]
Create a “help script.” If asking for help feels like speaking Martian, rehearse one-liners: “Can you grab milk on your way home?” or “Hey, I need a hand with this.” Keep it simple AF.
Try grounding, not grinding. Before bulldozing into another task, try 30 seconds of grounding: feet flat on the floor, deep breath in, then exhale. It’s a nervous system repair in a tiny dose.
Therapy that rewires, not just talks. EMDR, somatic therapy, and nervous-system-based approaches help your brain unlearn survival mode. (Shameless plug: if you’re in Florida, I’ve got you covered. Cape Coral therapist here.)
Strong AF got you here, but Synced AF (with your nervous system) will take you further
Listen, babe, being strong AF got you here, but it doesn’t have to take you forward. Hyper independence kept you alive, but now it’s keeping you lonely, resentful, and exhausted. Real strength is letting yourself be seen in your messy AF full human glory.
You don’t need to earn rest. You don’t need to justify your needs. You don’t need to carry the damn world on your shoulders to prove you matter.
Hyper-independence is trauma dressed in glitter, and babe, you don’t have to wear it forever.
The sooner you recognize it, the sooner you can stop overfunctioning and start healing.
Let’s untangle the trauma fuckery together!
If you’re a hyper-independent woman in Florida and this just smacked you in the feral AF feels, let’s talk. I help women like you untangle the trauma that’s been keeping you stuck in survival mode for way too damn long!
Book your free 20-minute Intensive consultation.
And if intensives aren’t your thing or you’re just not ready to jump in the deep end yet, no problem, check out Psychology Today, Headway, and Grow Therapy for therapists with availability. You can also check out My Therapists Peeps in SWFL.
About the Author
You don’t have to keep being the strong one who’s silently falling apart. I help you heal the trauma behind your burnout, ditch the hyper-independence, and finally feel like you again.
-Jessica Brooks, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC), EMDR-Certified Therapist offering EMDR Intensives in Cape Coral, FL
